(Un)Lucky
by TCBN
Summary: (NO GAY PAIRINGS) Stan dumps Wendy for Karen, much to Kenny's annoyance. Sam tries to ask Alex out with no avail due to various unrelenting distractions such as a nosebleed and drunkenness, Kenny's perversion, Wendy's ongoing rants and Carman's anti semantic schemes involving various kidnappings and pranks
1. PROLOGUE

Sam, Kyle and Cartman stood at the bus stop to go home.

"One day" Cartman laughed, "I'm going to _destwoty_ you once and for all"

"I don't know if you heard but the _last_ person who tried doing it landed up killing himself out of remorse" Sam rolled his eyes

"Actually I don't think Hitler felt very remorseful" Kyle said

"Then _why_ did he kill himself?" Sam cringed, "In fact his wife did it, too!"

"Look, that's not important, boys" Cartman sighed, "All that matters is that I'm going to finish what he started and failed"

"Miserably" Kyle and Sam shouted in unison

"Look, the numbers are dwindling" Cartman smiled, "All I have to do is give that little number some help and squish it"

"Ugh" Sam laughed, "You do know that the numbers are actually increasing?"

"How!" Cartman looked shocked

"Have you forgotten how babies are born" Kyle lifted an eyebrow

"No!" Cartman gruffly retorted, "Course not!"

"Because that is how the numbers are increasing, dumbass" Kyle laughed along with Sam

"For example" Sam smiled, "there's this girl in school I really like"

"Well, you should ask her out" Kyle smiled, facing Sam

"EEEEeeewwwiiihheee don't!" Cartman dry gagged, "Millions of breeding Jewish people!? You're all like RATS! You BREED like RATS!"

"Isn't that what rats do?" Sam cut in, "Help other rats out?"

Sam and Kyle cracked up at Cartman's face of disgust.

"You rats disgust me" Cartman groaned, "Millions of breeding rats? Gross!"

"Ugh" Sam sighed

"Look, this is our first day back from summer and we're going to year twelve" Kyle spoke up, I need you to avoid making any jokes about Judaism for the week, can you handle that?"

"Kike" Cartman cleared his throat

"Don't think it will work" Sam shrugged, "You're an asshole, Cartman"  
"Yeah, a brown poo stained black hole of farts" Kyle remarked

"Ok, enough with the fart jokes already" Stan walked up to the group

"Actually, he was being Anti-Semantic" Kyle lifted an eyebrow

"Well, anyway" Stan waved it off. He was always the middleman when dealing with Cartman's insults. Today he was going to juts ignore it, "You don't have to catch the bus. I have a car"

"Cool!" Kyle looked happy, "So, you'll give us a ride?"

"Yeah, lets go!" Stan walked with the boys to his new Toyota.

They all filed into the car and kept conversing about school eventually waving their friends goodbye as Stand dropped each person home. Soon, Stan was driving home when he saw a figure drunkenly swaying as she walked down the street.

"Hey" Stan wound his window, "need a ride?"


	2. Chapter 2

"We're going to Bebe's party tonight and you are already drunk?" Stan cringed

"Mmh" Karen sprawled out on the seats in the back

"You have no idea" Stan sighed, "Damn, what would Kenny say about you now"

"Ohhjjuunkyy" Karen giggled, "I love Cognag…. And spirits… and beer"

"The party's not for another few hours and I don't think you should be drinking anymore or be drinking at all" Stan warned

"You juhst needa get drunhhnk with me" Karen winked, hands on the chair in front of her as she stretched her back.

"Eh" Stan shrugged, "Maybe another time"

"Fihe!" Karen spat crossing her arms, "FUuuuyyynnn"

Kenny walked out the house as the car pulled out, angrily yanking a heavily drunk Karen from the car.

"You should know better!" Kenny screamed, dragging her into the house, "Fucking alcoholic!"

Kenny ran back to the car and jumped into the front seat.

"Hey, sorry about that, bro" Kenny grinned as Stan gunned it to the party

"No problem" Stan smiled

Xx

Alex was chatting with Kyle when Bebe straddled him from behind.

"Kyyyylllleeeee" Bebe cooed in his ear, "come to meeeeeeeeee"

"Stop it" Kyle moved off, "You're drunk"

"NNnoooh I'm NNNoooot" Bebe giggled

"Yes you are, let me take you home" Alex offered

"NO!" Bebe pouted, shoving Alex into a table

"Oh, shit you alright?" Sam wobbled, dropping his beer to the floor and helping her up

"Yeah, I'm fine" Alex smiled, "You stink like booze, man"

"That's the whoooole pphoint!" Sam slurred a bit

"Oh shit you're bleeding" Alex touched his nose

"No matter" Sam shook his head, smiling crookedly

"Sam! Tahhhhhhhhhhp me!" Bebe winked, taking Sam's hand

"Stop that!" Kyle angrily yanked her backwards

"Let's get you cleaned up" Alex took him to the bathroom, carving a path free of drunken people and vomit. She led him to a bathroom and sat him on the edge of the bathtub.

"Bebe keeps the meds in her room" Alex said, walking out

"FFffffffuuuhh" Sam wiped his nose, smearing blood down his shirt

"Don't go anywhere" Alex said and left

Sam lulled his head and laughed at the foggy feeling that made his world feel wobbly and unstable.

"Hey, dude!" Kenny winked, grabbing Alex by the wrist as she entered the bedroom

"Hi" Alex started rifling through Bebe's drawers as Kenny dry humped the bed. Alex thought Kenny was thinking he was actually humping someone.

"You know" Kenny sat up after a minute, "I've got condoms if that's what you're looking for"

"No, I'm fine in that department!" Alex blushed

"Ohhhhh I see!" Kenny leered, "You want to do this freestyle?"

"No" Alex said simply, standing up and sighing in frustration.

"C'mon!" Kenny winked and wiggled a finger at her direction, "It will be FUUUUUUnnnn!"

"You're high or drunk" Alex sighed

"Please? You're hurting my dry manhood" Kenny laughed

"I can't" Alex sighed, "I'm not interested in you"

"Why not? That's a stupid excuse. What's the real excuse?" Kenny slurred, rolling in Bebe's bed, hugging a pillow.

"Um" Alex bent over and yanked over a tiny little purse she had found in the bottom draw. Inside, was a box of tampons

"I have my period" Alex said and bolted from the room, ignoring Kenny's dry gagging.

Xx

Alex ran back to the bathroom and froze at the sound of screaming

"AHHH!" Sam's voice screamed, "LEGGO! Leggoooo!"

"Oh come on!" Bebe's voice moaned

"AUUUGGH!" Sam screamed, the sound of scuffling

"Sam!?" Alex yanked the door open to the scene of a pants free Sam cowering behind a toilet, scrambling away from Bebe who had in her hands a pair of men's jeans.

"Give that to me!" Alex screamed, swiping the pants and shoving her out the bathroom

"Fuuuuuuucking psychotic BITCH!" Sam screeched, nose bleeding even faster than before, lying on the floor, and breathing hard.

"I have no idea what the hell that woman's problem is" Alex sighed, "I got the bandages"

"Bandages?" Sam blinked as Alex helped him into a sitting position

"Yeah" Alex grinned, "this, I hope, will be the only time I get to embarrass myself and you like this"

"Whadayoumean?" Sam slurred, lulling his head

"I'll explain another time when you have pants on and are sober" Alex smiled, holding his head and shoving the first tampon up his nostril

"You're weird" Sam nasally spoke, laughing

"Too fucking weird" Alex shrugged, planting the other in his spare nostril

"UUUuhhhh" Sam groaned, reaching for his pants and putting them back on with great difficulty

"I hate these types of parties" Alex shrugged, locking the door and sitting with him

"I'deh ratthhhher be asleeep" Sam murmured, eyes fluttering shut

"Me too. I should have stayed home and watched a movie with popcorn with drizzled caramel with my friends" Alex said, watching Sam drop his head to his chest, a faint snore erupting from a dripping bloody nose.

"Sleep well" Alex rested her head on his shoulder, eyes closing themselves


	3. Chapter 3

Stan and Karen woke up in a bed in the morning, blinking to the bright sun in their eyes.

"This didn't happen" Stan swung his legs over the side of Bebe's bed and got up

"But it did!" Karen sighed, "Look!"

Karen held up about five sets of used condoms in her hand.

"Give me that" Stan angrily took it and threw it in the bin

"Oh don't be like that!" Karen blinked, got up and dressed

"I don't have feelings for you" Stan scowled

"Wendy knows" Karen looked down, "She walked in on us an hour ago, I was awake, you were sleeping"

"Why didn't you wake me!" Stan shouted

"Because you said you loved me and we were meant to be together!" Karen sighed

"I was drunk" Stan explained, "I have no recollection of it"

"Oh" Karen looked hurt

"But thanks for dumping Wendy, I kinda didn't have the balls to leave her" Stan smiled at her, 'Thanks Karen"

"No problem" Karen smiled at him

"Now, we should probably leave" Stan went downstairs, started choking on the pong of vomit and beer hanging in the air.

Xx

Sam woke up and groaned as a piercing pain shot through his skull.

"What the hell" Sam moaned, slowly pulling out a thing that Sam did not recognize instantly from his nostril.

"Hi, sorry, that was my handiwork" Alex blushed, facing him

"Well, for guys, that's the only thing that's useful about them" Sam laughed as he plucked another bloody malformed ball from his nostril.

"Also" Alex sighed, "Bebe scared the hell out of me last night"

"What she do?" Sam blinked, "I remember zero"

"Well, that will explain it" Alex pointed at the zipless jeans Sam was wearing

"Oh" Sam blushed

"But nothing happened, saved you just in time" Alex smiled reassuringly

"Jesus that must have been violent" Sam shuddered

"Dammit, who the hell has a party on a school night?" Alex sighed as she helped him up

"Bebe?" Sam answered

"Yeah, probably" Alex shrugged

Xx

Kyle was furiously writing in the library when Cartman ambled over

"Hey, Kahl" Cartman smiled

"What?" Kyle looked up

"I've just found the best way to get rid of you" Cartman smiled with glee

"How would you do that?" Kyle scowled

"Well, you see" Cartman smiled, "I don't want to tell you"

"You're a hopeless cause" Kyle went back to writing in his textbook

"Remember" Cartman winked, "You two are the ones with the malformation on your chipolata! So we know you're Jewish, you can't hide"

"Goddamit!" Kyle swore, "It's a tradition in Judaism! For the hundredth time! A circumcision"

"Whatever, Kaaaahl" Cartman trilled and skipped off

Kyle sighed loudly and wrote for a while in his book until the bell rang.

"Kyle!" Wendy ran over

"Yeah?" Kyle got up and packed his bags

"I can't seem to find Stan anywhere" Wendy puffed

"I haven't seen him all day" Kyle shrugged and walked outside with Wendy

"If you see him, tell him I'm sorry and I'll take him back" Wendy sighed

"What happened?" Kyle cringed

"I saw Stan sleeping with another woman this morning" Wendy explained

"Usually Stan skips school after breaking up with someone" Kyle shrugged, "and the last two times were with you so maybe you should've figured that out by now"

"That was in year four and seven!" Wendy howled, "Are you sure?"

"Wendy, he's my best friend. I'm sorry about the break up" Kyle said, "I have to go home"

Wendy sighed and waved Kyle goodbye. Last night was something he would have preferred to forget.

"Kyle, WAIT!" Bebe bolted for Kyle, "I'm so sorry about last night!"

"You are?" Kyle blinked at her blushing and terrorized face

"I did not mean a single action or word, I promise you" Bebe clasped her hands together, "I am so, so, so sorry!"

"You need to control your drinking" Kyle gave a small smile

"You have no idea how bad I feel" Bebe followed Kyle, "we did some stupid stuff"

"Can I have my hat that you ripped off of me?" Kyle took out a hand

"Yeah" Bebe pulled it out, it was torn "Shit, I'll buy you a new one"

"You really need to lay of the drugs, Bebe" Kyle snatched the hat and slammed it on his head, ear flap missing.

"I know, I'm sorry!" Bebe wiped her nose that was dripping, "I'll make it up to you"  
"Just be careful" Kyle walked home

Xx

Karen sat in the couch phone on her ear and Kenny munching on Doritos and staring into space.

"Yeah" Karen smiled, "I'm glad we can start again as friends"

_That's great! _

"So, uhh" Karen twirled a lock of her hair, "Do you want to see a movie, this Saturday? Like a make up present?"

_Sure! That would be awesome, Karen! You don't have to apologize _

"I just feel obligated" Karen giggled

_Yeah, about Wendy…. I left her for real at Lunch. Phoned her and left her. She was in denial and everything. _

"Oh" Karen chewed her lip, "a pity!"

Kenny glanced at her as she hung up.

"Who'se the nice person?" Kenny asked

"Oh, a new guy I like" Karen winked

"Great" Kenny smiled, "Hopefully he'll be a nice man and treat you better than I do to the ladies"

"Creep" Karen scoffed teasingly


	4. Chapter 4

Sam screamed as he felt himself get buried alive, hands tied behind his back and mouth gagged. He could feel the coffin he was buried in get lowered further and further into the dirt. Thank god he had his phone he thought.

"So long, suckers!" Cartman sang. Sam could actually hear Cartman doing a fat version of break dancing. Eventually Cartman sauntered off. Sam struggled to untie his hands and once that was done, he picked his phone up.

"Hey Kenny" Sam spoke on his phone, "I need your help"

"Viagra?" Kenny replied

"NO YOU FUCKING DIPWAD!" Sam smacked his head on the floor

"Con-" Kenny froze as Sam screamed loudly

"I am EIGHT FEET UNDERGROUND" Sam shrieked, "Cartman did it"

"What?" Kenny strained to hear his friend

"I AM UNDERGROUND IN A COFFIN! AND I WILL DIE!" Sam shrieked

After a while of shivering in fear and desolation, Sam lifted his head to the sounds of two shovels hitting dirt.

"Hello?" Sam whispered

The shovels kept wildly hitting dirt and scraping. Eventually, Sam jumped in fright as a shovel smacked the top of the coffin.

"I'm in here!" Sam screamed, covering his ears as the shovel slammed the coffin once more. The spade suddenly jammed through the wood, Sam screamed as he saw it jam near his face, poking through the wood. Then two sets of hands pried the planks off. Slowly, two arms grabbed Sam around the armpits and hurled him out.

"Oh thank god" Kenny untied the ropes from the spluttering form

"Are you alright?" Alex untied more ropes from his feet.

"Cartman's an asshole" Alex sighed, helping him out the eight feet deep pit, Kenny scrambling up in tow.

"Well" Sam dusted himself off, "Jesus that was painful. Thanks for that guys"

"I'm so glad you're okay" Alex hugged him tight

"Enough with the hormones, lets go eat dinner, I'm starved" Kenny laughed

"Yeah, great idea" Sam walked with his two friends side by side

Xx

Karen and Stan were at the movies; a hand clasped tightly on one other's hand. They were laughing and making quips about the various mistakes in the movies. What actors didn't do what people should have done and what should have happened. After a while, the usher kicked them out.

"Stan, there's something you should know" Karen looked down at the loose hand grip Stan had on her hand

"Mmhmm?" Stan was slightly distracted

"I've had feelings for you for a long, long time" Karen gushed, "I would always wonder about when I could ever speak to you honestly"

"Well" Stan suddenly was looking at Karen with interest, "I was always going to leave Wendy for someone else"

"Bebe's party was a seredipity" Karen smiled, "it brought about good things for us. I've had a crush on you since second grade"

"Yeah" Stan smiled, "It sure did- you had a crush on me since second grade? I only started liking girls in forth grade!"

Karen giggled at this, "that's how Wendy came into the picture?"

"Eh" Stan waved a hand, "She's not important now"

"Well, uh" Karen trailed off, not entirely sure what to say to him

"Karen" Stan spoke up, giving Karen a slight fright

"Yeah?" Karen looked up at him

"Will you" Stan placed two hands on her shoulders. She was short. Her head only came up to his collarbone, but that wasn't important, "Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Su-" Karen blinked as her eyes bugged out as Stan planted a very wet kiss on her mouth

"-But we gotta keep this a secret!" Karen gasped for air, "You know. Especially from my brother"

"Yeah" Stan smiled down at her, "of course"


	5. Chapter 5

Sam sat on a bench, musing over ways of asking out Alex. He hadn't seen his two friends all day. Sam wondered if they were either sick or avoiding him. Sam sighed and got up from his usual sitting place that he waited for his friends at lunch and walked to the snow, maybe today was make a snowman day. That usually took an hour to do and Sam needed to kill time. Plus he would get a workout, something he had been putting off for some time. Sam was kneeling on the snow, scraping the first and largest ball required. Molding it into a lumpy frozen mound, he started for the second one, when he Kenny run over.

"Hey! Sorry, teacher kept me in because I didn't hand in some essay" Kenny shrugged, helping Sam with the snowman

"Uh, I thought you were going home, you looked bored" Sam shrugged, laughing

"No, never leaving a fellow friend in need in school!" Kenny laughed

"Oh, shit, I've got carrots in my locker. I'll be right back" Sam grinned and ran inside to his locker, straight into Karen having the loudest and squelchy make out session with Stan. On his locker.

"Uh" Sam cleared his throat, "I need my locker"

"Mph" Stan suctioned off Karen noisily, "Sorry, bro"

Sam rifled through his locker, "Hay, guys. I need you to help me find a way to ask Alex out, do you two mind helping me?"

"Sure" Stan shrugged, looking hungry to suction back onto Karen

"But!" Karen spoke up, placing a hand on Sam's shoulder, "On one condition. Do not ever tell that Kenny bastard about us!"

"Why?" Sam cringed, taking out a container of chopped carrots

"Because he hates people" Stan spoke up

"He loves you! You're his best friend and you're his sister!" Sam tried

"There's some stupid rule about dating your best friend's sister" Karen shrugged

"Oh I forgot" Sam shut his locker, "Deal!"

Xx

Kenny and Sam were sharing jokes and bitching about the teachers as they finished off their improvised snowman. Kenny waved him goodbye as they walked to their separate classes. Once school was over, Sam was about to jam his key into his car when Karen ran up to him.

"Sam!" Karen cried, frantic, "Something bad happened!"

"Are you alright?" Sam turned, face worried

"I was playing Tetris on Kenny's phone and I got this text from Cartman" Karen showed him the phone, "It's from fatass…. I can't find Kenny and I figured you should also know"

"Ah" Sam read the text and cringed

_Hey dirty face! Guess where your Jewish friend is! Ww2 was meant to happen. YOU'RE NEXT! And since there's this ginger girl who was with him, I took that too. And dumped them where they belong! IN HELL!_

Sam frowned at the message. This was a definite reference to history class.

"That makes sense to you?" Karen blinked

"Teacher took us to the war memorial yesterday afternoon for an excursion" Sam explained

"Huh?" Karen blinked

"I don't know what the memorial place used to be. We were only on the outside…." Sam trailed off

"Huh?" Karen blinked, "The green building with the wire fence?"


	6. Chapter 6

Sam was crawling through the freezing and cobweb covered airshaft. He forced himself not cough or wheeze. Sam shuffled as he heard his phone buzz in his pocket. Luckily it was on silent, he answered it, voice hushed.

"Yes!" Sam whispered

"Why are you whispering?" Kenny asked

"Shh!" Sam hushed, finger to his lips automatically

"Why are you whispering?" Kenny whispered

"Because I don't want to get caught" Sam whispered, lifting an eyebrow

"Why?" Kenny asked

"Because Cartman trapped Kyle and Alex in a freaking creepy ass place" Sam answered in a hushed voice "I can only get in through by a vent. It's a weird place and I doubt they want visitors"

"Well. Quick question" Kenny cleared his throat, "what cologne does Wendy wear?"

"I don't know!" Sam kept himself from shouting, "It's called perfume, you numbskull!"

"Okay _oops_" Kenny whispered, "The reason I ask is because… there's a bottle of lemon and lime _perfume_ in Stan's bathroom!"

"Why does that matter" Sam stopped shuffling to rest his arms

"Because, Wendy hates citrus perfume" Kenny explained, "she likes stuff like Vanilla or coconut"

"You just answered your own question" Sam banged his head on his arm in frustration

"Well, I just wanted you to play a little detective!" Kenny snapped, "Stan's cheating on another girl"

"Great!" Sam snapped sarcastically, "I have to go, Kenny"

"Are you-" Sam hung up the phone, cutting Kenny off

Sam was furiously shuffling as fast as he could, when his phone buzzed again for a text message.

_Are you in a building that has no windows and it painted green? It has a massive wire fence._

_Yes _

_ I don't mean to make you cry but you're in a memorial for ww2 _

_What?_

_The memorial for those who died in world war two!_

_What? _

_You are in an inactive chamber_

Sam nearly shat himself

_Cartman is evil_

_Sorry_

_TOO FUCKING EVIL!_

Then the phone rang, causing Sam to answer it and nearly throw it down the shaft.

"Yes?" Sam seethed

"It's Stan, isn't it" Kenny sounded hurt

"N-no?" Sam choked

"I won't be angry. Just tell me who the fuck this perfume belongs to" Kenny snapped

"I don't know?" Sam sighed, "Sniff around at home and come back later"

"Oh, I never thought of that, thanks man" Kenny laughed

"And while you're at it, don't get a nose bleed" Sam warned

Suddenly the smell of someone taking the biggest shit in all of the Milky Way erupted from the shaft.

"AHHHHH!" Sam screamed, scrambling forward, closer and in towards the smell

"I KNEW YOU WERE IN THERE!" Cartman's voice laughed, "YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE MY POO!"

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sam couldn't help groaning, screaming and coughing

"You will never find the way out!" Cartman cackled

"OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO FIX YOUR DIET!" Sam cried, tearing up

Sam scrambled towards a vent with a large ass sticking to it, gas emitting from it. The worst idea erupted from his mind. Slowly, he took a hold of his mobile phone, kissed it goodbye and shoved it deep into his colon.

"AHHH!" Cartman cried, hopping out, "OH MY GOD YOU ASSAULTED ME!"

"Actually, that was my phone, dipshit" Sam punched the vent a few times to unlatch it.

Crawling out into the space, Sam looked around. This must have been what it was like for those in 1940 or somewhere around then. Sam glanced at Cartman straining to shit the phone back out.

"Hey, HEY!" Cartman scrambled as Sam fled across the room to his two friends tied together in a tight ring of gasoline around them.

"Oh thank god" Kyle gasped, "I thought I was gone"

"You're here!" Alex sighed, "How did you get in here?"

"They had to get the poison from somewhere" Sam replied, knifing the ropes off

"Isn't that what rats do?" Sam answered, "Help fellow rats out"

"AND BREED!" Cartman growled, pulling out an Iphone from his ass.

"What the hell?" Kyle laughed as Alex and he stood up

"GO!" Alex screamed and dived for the vent and started scrambling, Kyle and Sam in tow.

"Ok, go, hurry!" Sam looked behind him and saw Cartman hungrily grabbing Kyle by the ankles, struggling to drag him out the shaft.

"Kyle!" Alex and Sam screamed in unison, Alex, being the closest one, turned around and grabbed his hands, pulling Kyle back.

"You will never escape me!" Cartman howled

"Course I will!" Kyle scowled, smacking Cartman in the face with his foot, causing Cartman to careen backwards.

"Hurry!" Alex screamed, and they all started scrambling

"Hey! GET BACK HERE!" Cartman growled, fat body now stuck in the shaft. He was sticking out like a wine cork.

"HEY, ASSHOLE!" Sam shouted, taking out a grenade and hurtling it in his direction

"GET THE FU-" Cartman bugged out his eyes as the grenade wedged itself in his mouth like an apple in a pig. The three teenagers scrambled and shuffled as past as they could, turning left and right, sneezing and coughing from the dust and spider weds. Eventually they were gasping and spluttering in the fresh air that was wafting down from an open grate. Kyle reached up and squeezed himself out and turned to help out his two friends. They were in mid-escape from the building when an explosion erupted into the night sky, blowing Sam, Kyle and Alex off their feet and into the soft cold snow over the road.


	7. Chapter 7

"WHAT IS THIS!?" Kenny held the perfume in Stan's face

"Perfume" Stan answered, typing on his computer

"WHY!" Kenny screamed, "ARE YOU DATING MY SISTER!"

"Who told you!" Stan glared

"I know what my sister's perfume looks like" Kenny snapped

"Give it to me!" Stan swiped at the perfume

"Why?" Kenny glared

"Who were you talking to downstairs?" Stan asked, cringing  
"Cartman's flatulence" Kenny replied, "and Sam. But he never told me anything"

"Huh?" Stan was balling his fists

"I figured it all out myself!" Kenny snapped just as Karen walked in

"What's going on?" Karen blinked

"It's not cheating" Stan blinked, "Shit, dude! I thought you were just angry with us being together! You don't know that Wendy and I split up ages ago!"

"Ooooohhhhh" Kenny stood back and set the perfume back on the table

"Yeah" Karen blinked

"Sorry" Kenny smiled at an annoyed Stan, "I should probably go"

"Yeah!" Stan and Karen shouted in unison

Kenny shrugged and left the house. At least he had the TV to himself tonight, he thought, starting on his way home.

Xx

Alex rolled over in the snow, breathing heavily, along with everyone else. They were all staring up at the night sky.

"Everyone okay?" Kyle asked, splayed out on the snow blinking snowflakes from his eyes

"Yeah" Sam breathed

"Good" Alex sat up and stared at the flying debris that once used to be a memorial. Sam slowly sat up and placed a hand on Alex's own.

"I've been wanting to tell you something" Sam gulped. He didn't need someone else's help for this, he thought, he could do this himself.

"I um…" Sam trailed off, shivering from the cold

"Its freezing here, can we continue this in either a house, pizza hut or somewhere with a roof?" Kyle chattered, shivering violently

"What were you saying?" Alex stood up with Sam and Kyle

"I love you" Sam shivered, the words coming out as a high-pitched choke as his teeth chattered

"Wh-" Alex blinked as Wendy stood before them

"Oh my GOD you will NOT believe how angry I am!" Wendy howled, "I mean, really, It's so hurtful of that skank bitch to steal MY BOYFRIEND"

"Wendy, we're kinda busy" Kyle spoke up

"Hey, I need to vent my feelings and I need a helpful ear!" Wendy huffed

"Please" Sam wiped a lump of mud off of his face, "You should go"

"But-" Wendy stared

"We can talk tomorrow, Wendy" Alex replied

"Y-" Wendy swallowed and screamed as Kenny tapped her on the shoulder

"Ugh, more people" Sam muttered

Kenny lifted an angry fist and swiped Wendy on the skull, causing her to sprawl into the snow.

"Karen is my sister! Stan is my best friend! They are the best for each other!" With that, Kenny stalked off before giving Sam a discrete wink.

"Let's eat, I'm starving" Sam shivered and they started for pizza hut, dumping the idea about admitting his feelings just yet.


	8. Chapter 8

"We should do another thing like a few nights ago" Sam suggested, "this time, a little tamer"

"But crazy parties are fun" Kyle shrugged, "For very few people"

"But we could just have a smaller party with less people" Sam explained, "Less booze and no drugs for Bebe to take"

"Well, we could try" Kyle shrugged, "I mean, what is the harm in it anyway?"

"Plenty if you don't have drugs or booze" Kenny sat with them

"But-" Kyle started

"Look, you just have to be careful. I mean the drugs and booze won't force themselves down your mouth" Kenny reassured

"Well, in that case" Kyle grinned, "Let's give it our best shot!"

"Great!" Kenny pummeled the air, "Kyle, this could be your night to have Bebe"

"I doubt she likes me" Kyle waved his hand in the air, "She's a whore anyway"

Xx

The party was rabid. Everyone was crazy and nobody was sane. Kenny was eating a chocolate, thinking about the million ideas he could do with an elastic band when Wendy wandered over.

"Hey" Wendy smiled, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry"

"Sure" Kenny shrugged, looking at the thing in her hand

"Tell him to go at it" Wendy winked and gave Kenny the condom

"HEY!" Stan shoved his face in Kenny's hood, "LETS PARTY!"

"Hey, tone the voice down!" Kenny screamed as he shoved it in Stan's chest pocket, "Wendy says she's sorry, bro!"

"Cool!" Stan's face contorted into a bright-eyed smile

Wendy had already left when Stan straightened up and left, hand flying to his chest pocket. About one hour later, Stan was screaming and pouring a jug of cola down his pants, crying and face red.

"What happened to you, dude!?" Kenny walked up

"Itching powder!" Stan howled

Kenny glanced at Karen frantically gathering ice from an ice bucket and scratching frantically.

"It's a pleasure" Wendy smiled nearby, causing Kenny to stand, grab her by the shirt and punch her over and over again, ignoring her pained screams of agony.

Meanwhile, in another part of the house, Sam and Alex were conversing on the stairs; punch in red plastic cups and a dizzy feeling in their heads.

"KKkkyle was right! P- Parties like this are inSAAANE!" Alex screamed over the music, voice slurring and drawled

"W- We—" Sam leaned over, screaming as Alex exploded a shower of vomit from her mouth. Sam blinked; vomit dripping off his face and down his shirt.

"S- sorry" Alex swayed, blushing

"It's Okay" Sam held her close, "We should probably… catch a cab"

"It's only 11pm" Alex whispered, leaning in his vomit covered chest

"HEY ASSHOLES!" Kenny screamed, yanking Alex by the hand and onto her feet

"Lets DANCE" Kenny hollered, "To the heated pool outside, people!"

"I CANT SWIIIIIII-" Alex shrieked as Kenny drunkenly yanked her down the stairs and outside, Sam crashing after them.

The pool shone green from its lighting and everyone was jumping in and splashing around. Kenny had Alex in a tight grip, Alex tripped as Kenny shoved her into the depths of the pool. Alex opened her eyes to see people's legs kicking, people diving and the muffled sound of laughter. She struggled to move in the right direction and she didn't entirely know what to do for air.

Xx

Alex opened her eyes. She was sprawled on the floor, arms and legs splayed out, beside the pool.

"You alright?" Sam whispered

"I…" Alex rolled over and vomited a stream of chlorinated water, "didn't drink beer"

"Yeah" Sam wiped his mouth, "I did"

"Huh?" Alex cringed, eyes stinging from the chlorine

"You blacked… out" Sam explained, flinching as someone did a cannonball into the pool and the water sprayed on them.

"I feel disgusting and ill, plus seasick" Alex murmured, blacking out once more

"And that's precisely why I called the ambulance" Sam picked her up and walked to the front of the house where an ambulance waited, gurney ready.

"There ain' nothing sexy about CPR!" Kenny could be heard chanting, only to get punched in the jaw by Wendy.


	9. Chapter 9

Bebe and Kyle sat in another room, where hardly anyone was. They were discussing what to do.

"Also I'm sorry about everything again" Bebe smiled

"It's fine. I just want to be alone right now" Kyle snapped

"Fine, we can talk about other stuff! Like….." Bebe trailed off

"You're always stuffing drugs and booze down your gullet! I don't want to talk to you now especially in parties" Kyle sighed

"I especially didn't touch anything just to hang around you" Bebe replied, "I figured, since you hardly drink, and I don't want to drink, we can hang out together as the two sober kids" Bebe smiled

"Really?" Kyle looked hopeful

"I just want to be your friend" Bebe reassured, "Really. I'm trying to nice, you should try, too"

"Alright" Kyle looked down. "Its just that you hardly speak to me and you usually bug me embarrass yourselves at parties…"

"I swear, if I can become your friend, I promise you I will try extra hard to be well behaved, and that means saying how are you every morning" she gleamed

"Alright" Kyle faced her, "lets play monopoly, I'm bored"

"Sure!" Bebe dragged out the board game from under the bed and set it up. Knowing that it was a very long game, Bebe knew that this would keep them conversing for at least two hours and keep both of them entertained.

Xx

That morning, Sam woke up beside Alex's hospital bed.

"They said you can get discharged today" Sam told her as she woke

"Cool" Alex cringed, "Jesus I hardly remember anything"

"Don't think anyone does" Sam shrugged, "Fuck drunk parties"

"Yeah" Alex shrugged, "And thanks for last night….. The swimming incident. Oh I definitely remember that.. some of it"

"Oh yeah!" Sam snapped his fingers, "Before anyone walks in, I just want to let you know that-"

Someone walked in and screamed in Sam's ear so loud that Sam and Alex had to block their ears.

"Who the fuck are you!?" Sam swore, blinking

"Sophie Marsh!" she giggled and ran out the room while doing a cartwheel.

"Right" Alex blinked and laughed with Sam for a minute

Sam walked over and sat on the bed, bringing Alex into his arms.

"I love you, too" Alex said, "I wasn';t sure if I heard you the other night"

Alex and Sam slowly embrace and kiss, hands wrapped in hair and eyes closed.

Xx

In the movies, Karen shook in fear as Stan and Karen watched a horror film. Stan hugged Karen gingerly as she shook.

"Don't worry, it's just a movie" Stan calmed her

"That isn't going to calm me down! ITS SCARY!" Karen howled

Stan hugged her, "This movie's boring"

"Are you serious!" Karen laughed, "Its horrifying"

"Fine" Stan stood, "Lets go on a picnic"

"You two are such love birdies!" Kenny laughed from a row behind them

"Shut up, Kenny!" they shouted in unison as they left


	10. ENDING

Karen and Stan were at a picnic, eating a generous portion of a PB and J roll. When Stan's phone buzzed in his pocked.

"Hey, bro!" Stan smiled, mouth full of food

"Hey, dude" Sam greeted from the other end, "Enjoying yourself?"

"Uhuh" Stan gulped down the food and took another bite

"Well, ah, I'm taking Alex out for a pizza and I kind of don't want your relations bombarding me and Alex" Sam said, "They're not going to harass anyone?"

"Dude, Shelly is at her boyfriend's house, Annabelle's in a mad house and Sophia is so overwrought with ADD that she won't be able to remember your name and if I phoned her yesterday or if she went to the bathroom" Stan smiled, "You're safe! Have a good one!"

"Thanks!" Sam grinned, hanging up

"Uh, Stan" Karen looked at Stan as he hung up the phone

"Yeah?" Karen looked at her

"That spastic condom… was broken" Karen mumbled

"You're pregnant!?" Stan bugged out his eyes

"Yeah! And now you're going to leave me! I'll be a single mother!" Karen started to cry in hysterics

"Shhh!" Stan pulled her into a tender hug, "It's alright, and I'll never leave you even if you turn into a walrus with that baby"

"Really? You really mean that?" Karen sniffed, enjoying the embrace

"Really. We're going to stay together and have a family" Stan purred

Xx

A double date was in progress in the pizzeria. Bebe sat with Kyle and Sam on either side that had Alex on his side.

"What? It's true!" Bebe was smiling, enjoying everyone's laughter as she told her story, "My grandmother was so convinced that her nose was chiseled way too small, she had it surgically enlarged!"

"No way!" Kyle covered his mouth from laughing

"Yeah!" Bebe nodded with wide eyes

"What? That's not as bad as someone wanting to have splints in their legs to look taller to register as a model!" Sam laughed along

"No, what about" Alex spoke with her mouth full, "Cartman requesting his lard to be used for moisturizer?"

"No, Butters creamy goo is way worse" Bebe chuckled, "Can't believe you ALL fell for that"

"Yeah, maybe you are nice and funny after all" Kyle smiled at her

"Told ya, Kyle" Bebe winked, "I'm not a horrible maniac! In fact I don't do drugs! I'm naturally a bubbly girl!"

Kyle smiled at this and ate another slice of pizza.

"Heeeeyyy!" Kenny swaggered over and sat with a loud thump, grabbing Bebe by the boobs, "What ya doooooooing?"

"You're drunk!" Bebe swatted Kenny off

"Hey, you wanna fight, bitch!?" Kenny laughed, "Coma at me, bro!"

Everyone stood up and surrounded Kenny, annoyed.

"Come at me, brother" Kenny leered, face inches from Sam, "Squeeze, squeeze!"

"Hey, leave us alone!" Alex shoved Kenny

"Not an option, sweet tits!" Kenny poked her in the stomach

"Dude-" Kyle stepped behind Kenny only to scream as Kenny ducked as Sam threw a fist into Kyle's face, breaking his nose.

"HHAHAHHA!" Kenny howled with laughter and fled

"Oh, shit I'm sorry!" Sam whitened

"OOooohhh!" Kyle groaned, "My nose!"

"Here, sit down, Kyle!" Bebe grabbed Kyle by the arm and sat him back down on the seat

"Oh shit that must have hurt!" Alex gasped

"Especially when sober" Sam blinked

"Well, hopefully this will be the only time that I embarrass you or myself" Bebe winked and shoved two sets of tampons up either of his nostrils.

THE END!


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